widow at 28

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Posted by Brandy Croteau on June 10, 2002 at 00:27:16:

My husband was killed in a motorcycle accident on May 26, 2002. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and an 8 month old son. I am still in shock and filled with disbelief. I returned to work one week after my husband's death believing that it would help me some how. I worked one week and have decided to take the rest of the month off of work. I have never felt so weak in my entire life. I am beginning to wonder why God would make me suffer yet again. My whole life I have been abused in one form or another and I had finally found piece. My husband's name was Steve. I feel comfort that he was killed while doing something he enjoyed so, that he was killed within seconds of the accident and that he left this earth knowing he was loved and that we know he loves us. I look at my children and like every other widow, think how horrible it is that my children will never know there father. I have been blessed because my husband was a Sheriff Deputy in Sacramento County, California and they have been wonderful to us. I feel also blessed that I did get the chance to have this type of love at least once in my life and I know we will meet again. I keep thinking that Steve would want me to go on but it seems so difficult. I still can feel his lips when we kiss, that seems to set me into a whirlwind of emotions. I am such a new widow but I am finding that hearing stories from people who knew my huband is helping me cope. There were about 400 people at my husband's service. It was such a celebration of his life. I have asked people to write stories about my husband so that I can put books together for each of my children so that they will know their father through stories from the people whose lifes he touched. I am writing in a journal for myself which seems to help ease the pain. It is amazing to me the things that trigger an immediate response of flooding tears.I am just trying to survive one day at a time. I have never felt so out of control before and I have actually broke down and accepted the help others have been offering me. If anyone has suggestions about other ways which ease the pain I welcome them. Thanks for listening.

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