Posted by Shelly on July 30, 2002 at 01:57:25:
In Reply to: widow at 28 posted by Brandy Croteau on June 10, 2002 at 00:27:16:
Hi to all. I lost my husband 12 years ago to suicide when I was 29. Our children back then were 5, 4, and 10/mos. I felt that as a young widow there was the double grief of having the sole responsibility of three children. I attended support groups and found that even though there are basic similarities, everyone grieves differently. I am christian. I pulled close to God and he met my needs time & time again. Too much to call coincidence. I found myself talking to anyone & everyone who came along about my loss. Talking was healing. I found a book that pulled all the scriptures out about death, heaven, etc. I needed to know my husband was okay. I needed to understand fully and see the bigger picture. My oldest child went through anger. He still has a bit of anger with him. I don't think he even realizes anymore where it came from. Although, I found that he grieved privately at different stages of his growing up & I believe still does. The other two, don't remember their dad & are fine. My oldest last year was tempted to commit suicide himself. He wrote the note but thank God did not follow through. About a month later, close friend of his commited suicide at school. I believe he is now over thinking of it himself but continues to wear a green ribbon on his wrist almost a year later in memory of his friend. The kids from this public school say that everyone talks of suicide. And this kid talked about it quite a bit. Just like the rest. Back in 1990, there were no support groups I could find in Seattle for my kids. I couldn't even find a book geared toward them. I believe things have changed now and there's more available to children. We as adults will find our way through our grief eventually. My best advice is to see what you can find for them. As for me. I eventually pulled through. I'm on the other side now. But it was the hardest nightmare of my life. No one understood, my lack of time. I had to lower my standards. I couldn't keep my house as tidy as I desired. I certainly could not afford daycare for 3 kids. So I took single mothers with 1 or 2 children in for free room and board in exchange for daycare. I took the children on dates. One at a time for undivided atention they needed. For example me & my daughter got all dressed up & I bought her a small wrist corsage and took her to the spagetti factory for a special 'date'. My son, we went roller skating together. All these years later they remember these special times vividly. I had no idea how healing it was for them. In the beginning I overcompensated by getting them in boyscouts, swimming twice a week, wednesday night royal rangers & missionettes, sports, etc. Until I realized I was falling apart. Then my motto became, simplify...simplify! And you need to take time out for yourself. Skip the guilt. People wont understand all your overload. They haven't stood in your shoes. This is a hurdle but with deep love I like to share with you that THIS TOO SHALL PASS! It truley does. Especially.. when we reach out through our own tears to those around us who suffer. "May the Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make his face shine on you, and be gracious to you; The Lord lift up his countenance on you, and give you PEACE." Numbers 6:24-26