When do you get better?

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Posted by Connie on April 08, 2000 at 21:49:20:

I am 33 and have two small children. My husband of 7 years passed away a year ago this January after a short but very hard fight with cancer. I've been riding that emotional roller coaster ever since. For some reason I thought a year under my belt would bring me some sort of strength or relief so to speak. The only thing that's changed from the first year is that I now can manage my everyday tasks. The kids get fed and bathed and I pay my bills when I have to. But, emotionally, I am losing it all over again. The sense of hopelessness is overwhelming. I still find it difficult to believe that he's actually dead and not on some trip somewhere. The mere thought of him makes me fall to pieces. I have considered suicide in the past, but can't bear to leave my two little kids behind. I know how awfully mad my husband would be at me for doing something so foolish. Me taking my life voluntarily while he fought so hard to keep his makes no sense at all. But right now I'm feeling things that I just can't explain. I am literally lost without my husband. Among many friends and family members that love me, I feel utterly and completely alone. Thoughts of him consume me. There's a constant tug at my heart that won't go away. Even after a year! How does one get through this? I think my friends are tired of hearing about the way I feel and my family and his family just don't talk about it. Period. My life goes on, but this is not living. I am simply managing. I do what I have to do. No more,no less.

Church? Please. I tried taking that route in the beginning. I was looking so hard for the answers. It only brought more questions. I have never walked very closely with God. I'll be the first to admit that. And I when my husband was sick I never expected any miracles on my behalf. If He didn't answer my prayers I knew in my heart why. But my husband had a ton of faith. He deserved a miracle. And my kids deserved the same one. To me, there will never be a good enough reason for taking my husband away from my children. Some people have told me that God must have needed him for something. Now what task is too great for God to handle that he would have to take a young man away from his family?

Can you tell I'm angry? I am. I'm angry, hurt, lonely, sad, depressed, confused, lost. You name it, I've felt it. I don't know where to turn anymore. Most of the time I just try to block it out. It's not that I think not thinking about it will make it go away. I just think that maybe I'll be able to get through it a little easier.

Has anyone felt any of the things I've been feeling? Can anyone relate? Is there ever a time when I'll find peace with who I am and what's become of my life? When does one finally begin to heal?

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