Re: Re: When do you get better?

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Posted by Connie on April 30, 2000 at 20:21:27:

In Reply to: Re: When do you get better? posted by Dirk on April 20, 2000 at 21:18:03:

Dear Dirk,

I'm so sorry about your wife. I know all too well what it's like to try and be both mother and father to little children. As you can see, even after a year and a half, I am still struggling with things. I hope that doesn't discourage you, because I do have to say that things did get somewhat better. I look back now and there is a whole year that is a complete blur to me. I have to stop and ask myself how many birthday's my children have celebrated without their dad. Things like that I have a hard time with, simply because to me, anything that happened that first year without him...just didn't take place. I was there physically, but not mentally. I even went back to work less than a month after he died. I couldn't tell you how I even functioned or did my job though. I was on auto pilot and did what I had to do, but don't remember a damn thing. I was stressed out trying to handle everything at home and at work. Forget about trying to work through my own grief! I didn't have time to think about it. Until at night, when I was so exhuasted and wanted to sleep just to be able to "get away" for a while, but couldn't. I'd lay awake crying for hours. Never got more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I tell you all of this, because as bad as it still seems to me,I can look back and see changes. I'm no longer working, which helped with trying to get everything done at home....I don't cry as much or as frequently.....I sleep about 6 to 7 hours now and even laugh a little. I look at those things and can see SOME changes, but it sure doesn't mean that the sadness or the pain has gone away. I can still cry at the mere thought of him. I think we just get better at accepting it or maybe even....concealing it. At just 3 months, you still have so many emotions to go through. But you'll do it. You'll do it for those three little children that need you. This is what life has dealt matter how hard we wish or how hard we pray, our spouses are not coming back to us. That is reality. I try to keep in mind what my husband would want me to do. Or I think about how he would handle this situation if it were me that left instead of him. He was a strong person and I know he would look at it as another obstacle for him to overcome. He would not give up. It's inspiration to me....even on the very difficult days. Try it...change the situation around....would you want your wife to be lonely and depressed? Overwhelmed with grief? Wouldn't it break your heart to see her mourning for you day after day? Drowning in her sadness?

No matter how badly we feel, they are still gone and they are still not coming back. I'm sure you've heard that it takes everyone a different amount of time to heal. Everything you feel now is part of healing. No matter how badly it feels, don't give up. You will be with her again soon enough......and until then you get the beautiful opportunity of being a part of your children's lives.

We DO get just doesn't come soon enough.


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