Re: Re: When do you get better?

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Posted by David on April 30, 2000 at 21:29:08:

In Reply to: Re: When do you get better? posted by Dirk on April 20, 2000 at 21:18:03:

I am so sorry for your loss. My wife died a little over a year ago. The feelings you wrote about touched me , for I felt the same. I am saddened beyond words that my wife will not be there to see our daughters graduate or marry or see our grandchildren.
I too have lost my sense of who I am. All of my life experiences included her and now I have no references , no landmarks to help guide me.
Depression is now a companion I neither asked for nor want. And though I know all of the right words and phrases that are suppose to help ease the pain, I find it hard to put the ideas into action.
The pain does lessen, but all too slowly and never as completely as we wish. My therapist told me that an ugly monster had been introduced into the painting that is my life. He said that I would have to deal with how it fit in that picture. The monster that was Linda's death will never go away...I guess I'll just have to accept and intergrate it into what will be my future.
Being strong for the children is oh so difficult. The daily drudgery that is everyday life is the only distraction that seems to help. It's sometimes easier to stuff or hide the pain, hoping that someday we will be able to better handle it. Is this healthy? I try, with varying degrees of success, to meter out the grief and the pain. When I hear a song that reminds me of her, I try to let it take me back to that place and time, and sometimes the good memories overpower the pain.
I cry because, as you so aptly said, no matter how hard we try to keep their memories alive...those images seem to fade...losing their sharpness, details lost. My biggest fear is that I will forget...her smell...her touch...her laugh. Sometimes in my dreams I am given the gift of remembering...of seeing her green eyes...hearing her voice. When I wake up, just for a moment I forget that she is gone, and in that brief span of time, I am whole again. I relish those rare events.
Know that you are not alone in this journey. Many of us walk along with you. When prayers are not enough, there are shoulders on these pages to cry on.
God bless you and be with you on your journey. -- David.

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