Posted by Jessica on August 01, 2002 at 09:06:00:
Today is day 61, or 2 months, since my Larry passed. On June 1, 2002, we were involved in a car accident. He died instantly. I survived only to suffer.
Earlier that horrible day, Larry and I talked about our future. It was the best talk we ever had. It was as if he knew that it was our last conversation. We decided we were going to move in together the following month. We talked about getting married and having kids. In talking about marriage I asked Larry the date he wanted to get married on. Larry decided on June 1, 2003. What bliss we were in.
Larry was one of my best friends on and off for 8 years before we started dating. We both dated and we were there for each other when we had problems in those relationships. I always knew Larry had a crush on me since I met him. I never thought of him in that way, until last year. When we finally started to date, I couldn't believe how happy I was. Larry and I were unbelievably happy. Nothing to stop us from having the perfect life. Well, the life we wanted.
Many people set out to find their "soul mate" and many never find them. Well, I found him, but subsequently lost him as well. Larry and I were always in sinc. He or I finishing each other sentences. He or I knowing what the other wanted before either asked. Sometimes it seemed like we didn't even have to orally communicate, that we were connected in some strange way and didn't even have to talk. I remember Larry telling me to get out of his head on many occasions, because I just knew. I positively knew that we were "soul mates" when, one day, we started singing the next verse to a song that was playing on a juke box. I started laughing because we sang the exact same lerics, but it was the wrong verse. Larry started laughing even harder because he realized that it wasn't even the same song.
I don't know what to do without him. I am angry that he left me here alone. I wish he would have taken me with. Nothing will ever be the same. I cry for the life I had. I cry for the life we should have had. I cry for the life that I now have to face alone. I wonder if the tears will ever stop. I wonder if the pain will ever subside.
Every morning when I wake, I cry just because I woke. I also cry for his family. They are such wonderful people who don't deserve this pain and suffering. I can't help but feel responsible and I will never forgive myself for causing so much pain. Every night I pray that I will not wake up. Every day I wish that I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wish that the poor woman who was killed by a stray bullet was me. I don't want to go on. Life has no meaning, only suffering.
I am all alone in my pain. I have no friends to lean on. My family aren't emotional people, they give me little or no suppport. Their take on this is "life goes on" or "get over it". Larry's parents are some comfort, but its hard because I know they are going through tough times too. I wasn't very close to his brother and sister. Plus, I know deep down they wish it was me who died and not Larry. It's only natural. His friends are the same way. I know they feel that I was responsible for his death and in some ways they are right. I thought someone would be here to help me get through this, but I found out how wrong I was. There also is little to no support groups in Chicago.
Anyone with anything to say, please don't hesitate. I need anything I can get.
Jessica