Re: Tragedy at 27


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Posted by Jessica on August 16, 2002 at 14:20:39:

In Reply to: Tragedy at 27 posted by Jessica on August 01, 2002 at 09:06:00:

Debbi,
I hope you get this. Your e-mail got erased, so I donít have your address anymore. I'm sorry for not writing back sooner. I havenít been working. Thatís my access to the computer. Plus, every time I think about writing, something side-tracks me.

How am I doing? That is the dreaded question. I cringe every time someone asks because I know that I have to lie again. No one really wants to know how I feel.

I am all alone in my grief, misery, guilt, sorrow, etc. That is what I am trying to deal with, the alone part. I donít know if I pushed away my only friend or if she is just living life and I am not. Forget about my family. They arenít here either.

I really am not sure how I am doing. Some days, I feel like jumping off a bridge. Other days, I just go through the day in a haze. I donít feel alive anymore. Everything feels like it is happening to someone else.

Today is a bad day. It is day 75, and, you also could call it my birthday. The only person I want to share today with is my Larry and I canít. I then make myself more upset by wondering if today would have been the day he proposed to me.

I think that dealing with this tragedy is making me into a bitter, selfish person. They say it makes you stronger. I think it is in a bad way. I am stronger in my beliefs or how I feel, and who cares about anyone else. I am selfish in expressing my feelings now. I wonít talk about how I feel, no one really cares anyway. If they did, they would have cared before now. I am more patient with strangers or stupid people, but more demanding upon those friends and family that should have been there.

Thanx for your concern. Its more than I get from my friends and family.

Take Care,
Jessica


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