Posted by Gretchen on August 02, 2002 at 01:04:36:
In Reply to: Tragedy at 27 posted by Jessica on August 01, 2002 at 09:06:00:
I have just relived my whole tragedy over again by reading your message.
My name is Gretchen and 10 years ago my boyfriend and I were out on a late evening motorcycle ride when our lives as we knew them changed.
We met eachother when we were in 6th grade thru my best friend and I thought he was just the cutest guy ever. Once we got into middle school together I became really good friends with his sister and was over at his house all the time. He never really paid that much attention to me while I was there but I couldn't help having a terrible crush on him, he was adorable! Finally, on Halloween 1990, our senior year, I went out trick or treating with his sister and when we came back to their house as he was digging thru all of my candy, I asked him out. I couldn't believe that he had said yes but he did and we waited about 2 weeks before we had that 1st date. We stayed together for 14 months but we were still somewhat immature about our relationship so I told him that I needed a break from him to figure things out. If only I would have known what was going to happen. That boy loved me soo much and was over at my parent's house all the time talking to my mom about how he could get me back but she couldn't help him, I wasn't ready yet. I eventually decided that I couldn't be without him anymore and I knew that there wasn't anything better for me out there and that he was the one for me. We had it all planned out, getting married, kids, where he would work and how I would stay at home while doing medical transcription. Six days later he was killed in a motorcycle accident with me. It was dusk and we were out at Semiahmoo in Blaine, WA enjoying the sunset just visiting when I decided that we had better get going home. If only we would have stayed a bit longer like he had wanted to, we would have missed the accident. But he went along with it and we left and about 7 minutes later as we were going along a back road a truck pulled out in front of us. When he saw it coming towards us he tipped the bike over to the right and I stuck my leg out and ended up breaking a couple of toes and my right femur bone. The foot peg then caused the bike to jackknife and flip over throwing me across the road and into a ditch where I managed to break my whole entire left foot in half and had road rash on my left hand. Little did I know that he had held onto the bike and rammed right into the truck and was killed. I knew something was physically wrong with me but I didn't care about my problems, I wanted to know where HE was! I finally asked the ambulance attendant and he told me "Didn't they tell you? Keith is dead!" That was the beginning of the end of me. I haven't been the same person since. I remember feeling all of the same things that you were saying like, "I know his family wishes it were me instead of him" and "It's my fault!" I also thought that it should have been me because I felt like he was a better person than I was and he had more to offer the world. I don't even know how to express all of the different phases of depression, guilt, loneliness, anger, helplessness, shame, and all the other emotions that I went thru. People just expected me to get over it and that was impossible, my life had been totally ruined. I felt like my entire future was planned around this one person and now he was gone, how do I go on without him? People will say that time heals but I don't think that it does. My philosophy is that time doesn't heal, you just get used to living with the pain. The loss that you feel sometimes is soo unbearable that you can't even talk, you can't get out of bed, or even open your eyes in the morning. I remember thinking, "Why can't I bring myself to crash my car or kill myself some other way?" I wanted soo badly to be out of this world and be wherever he was but I couldn't do it.
It finally took almost 8 years before I could say that I was okay with still being alive and that he was gone. I am sure that you can't imagine ever feeling good about the situation but believe me, it will eventually happen. People would say that to me and I thought, "Never, I will never be okay with him being gone, I loved him too much!" but it will. You are in for some really tough times, some of the blackest times you will ever have and they aren't going to stop for quite awhile but please know that it does get better and you will go on.
Here it is 10 years later and I am married to a wonderful man who is the father to my beautiful 4 year old daughter and my gorgeous 1 month old son. He knows all about the accident and the boy I was with and understands it all. He has been there for almost 9 years now so he was there thru all the craziness that I dealt with. Whenever we are in my old hometown we go over to the young man's parents house and visit and let them enjoy our daughter since they have no grandkids of their own yet. We will be bringing my son up there soon for them to meet for the first time, we are very excited. His sister that I was really good friends with was one of my bridesmaids in our wedding and has already made a trip over here to meet our little boy. Although I know that deep in their hearts they would have traded my life for his, they still love me and are glad that it wasn't BOTH of us instead.
I hope that you will get thru this terrible time knowing that he may be gone but you are still here, there must be a reason. You are going to be going thru some times when you are at your wits end and think that you don't have any more tears to shed but you will make it and there will always be more tears, even 10 years from now.
I found all of his pictures the other day, Tolo, Prom, picnics, friends, trips, and bawled my eyes out. I hadn't had a good cry for him in a long time but I felt better after.
I miss you Keith with all of my heart and always will. You were my first real love and although I worried that I would forget you if I got over it, I haven't! You are still fresh in my mind, heart, and soul.....but I still miss you friend.
Sincerely,
Gretchen