Re: I am so lost

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ Safe Haven - This is the place to express feelings, pain, memories... ] [ FAQ ]

Posted by melissa on August 28, 2002 at 14:45:29:

In Reply to: I am so lost posted by Royce on August 28, 2002 at 01:34:43:

Dear Royce, I can feel your pain. Six years ago, my 28 year old husband died of a heart attack, but not before undergoing seven horrfying days in CCU. You see, we didn't know what was wrong. It woke him up. He got bad enough that he wanted to go to the hopital. As soon as we turned down the road next to our house, he said, "Oh God, I think I'm dying." "no your not!", I said. "you're going to be ok. we're on our way. We'll get there..." He said, "I love you", and he seized, right then, right beside me. I kept driving. I drove as fast I my car would go. I lived in the country, 15 minutes from that hospital. I made it in 7. No one at any crossroads, no one in front of me, not even in town. 5 lights, and all were green with no traffic. God was with me that day...We got there and they called a code red through the hospital. I panicked. I heard them doing CPR and shocking my husband. I wasn't allowed back there, but Icould hear. My sister, who lives in Illinois, was at my house visiting for the first time ever. My father, who lived in missouri, (i'm in Pa),had called to suprise me and ask me to breakfast because he was in town. Sis told my dad we went to the hopital, he guessed which one, and was the first one there to be with me. I was hysterical. They had come out before he got there to tell me he'd suffered a heart attack, that they did CPR for 12-15 minutes and shocked him twice, and got him back, but couldn't get him stabilized. They wanted to life flight him to Allegheny for surgery, but had to have him stable first. They said his chances were slim, to go say my goodbyes. What I saw was not my husband...
We made it to allegheny. They had to shock him again during flight but got him back. For the next couple days, we waited. HE would start to hyperventilate, tighten up on the bed so violently, unconcsious. He never regained concsiousness. The neurologists came to tell us he would never make any progress whatsoever. He was all but brain dead. The EEG's showed no sign of brain activity; the only way they know he had anything was that he still had involuntary reflexes and sometimes he would override the respirator, but when he did, he'd hyperventilate. They said it was a matter of time before he went back into arrest again. It was the most horrifying thing I will probably ever have to watch in my whole life. I spent Valentine's day deciding when to shut my husband's respirator off. We did the next day. I said, not today, not valentine's day. HE made it 30 hrs before he died. Everyone told me to have hope in that time, but I couldn't. I was already grieving the loss of my husband. I knew, everything was just too final. I know what you are feeling. I am so sorry for what you are going through. And it has been so long~~My prayers are with you and your wife... Pray, pray pray. You need strength, all you can get. If you ever need to talk, email me, find me in yahoo messenger, or even call, ANYTIME. I mean it. I don't know you, but I know what it feels like to try to be ok for everyone and try to do your day and be screaming inside where you can't let anyone hear you. I was like that too. And two years ago, I found this place. It comforted me to be amongst others who had shared my pain... I didn't stay here, but it got me through, and here I am, back again. You need to let it out. It's easier amongst ones you don't know and will never see. Lean on someone, anyone. You don't have to be alone. My number is, well, e-mail me and I will give it to you, I don't want to leave it on a public site... God be with you and your beloved wife... I'm sorry.

Follow Ups:

Post a Followup


Subject: Re: Re: I am so lost


Optional Link URL:
Link Title:
Optional Image URL:

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ Safe Haven - This is the place to express feelings, pain, memories... ] [ FAQ ]