I am so lost

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Posted by Royce on August 28, 2002 at 01:34:43:

I'm loosing my wife every day of my life. April 21, 2002 my wife and two girls were involved in an auto accident. I thank God my children survived relatively unharmed. My wife of 13 years was not so fortunate. She has been left with the mind of and unborn. She doesn't even have the ability to cry. The doctors say this is as good as she will ever get and that its just a matter of time until an infection finishes her. Every time I see her I pray for a miracle that will prove the doctors wrong but I know deep inside that she wont make it. There is no getting away from the pain of loosing my wife as she was my world. No more cuddling or laughing at and absurd movie. No more talking to her about my day. No more begrudgingly doing the dishes as not doing them would be worse. I have to let you know that memory brought a smile to my face. Every day I get up and kiss my girls ages 2 and 8 goodbye as I leave for work. I've stayed strong in their presence as am sure any father would and as a result their world is has a sense of normality. After a nearly 2 hour commute I continue the show of normality as my co-workers don't deserve nor I'm sure do they want my grief in the open. I feel so alone, So lost. She doesn't pass away and she cant recover. Other than the initial shock every day is as the first. Every day I start the process of loosing her again. Twice now I've gotten a motel room just to be alone hoping the solitude would help. Hoping once alone I could let it go without fear of my daughters hearing me. The tears come and for a while I feel a little better but by the end of the next day it seems even worse. I guess I wont even have a chance of recovery until I get that miracle or until the Doctors prove themselves correct. I'm not really sure why I am posting this. Maybe its because I know I could never talk about this in front of anyone one without loosing control. My wife is the only one that has ever seen that. Since I'll never actually meet any of you I guess its easier. It's 3:30 A.M. here now and I have work at 5:00. I don't sleep much anymore. Thanks for listening.


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