Re: Re: I am so lost

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Posted by Robert on November 29, 2002 at 16:15:47:

In Reply to: Re: I am so lost posted by melissa on August 28, 2002 at 14:45:29:

You are so kind to reach out to a stranger like you did.

I'm reading all these posts crying and crying, while at work. I admire
Royce to be able to maintain so well at work.

My wife is dying, but is still relatively healthy for the time being. I saw
my dad dye last year. Now my wife is dying, we just found out in September.

It seems to help to know others go through this, it happens. I feel so
isolated otherwise, like there is no one to talk to who knows what it feels

My wife even lied to me about the prognosis, said there had been a mistake
and she had a long time to live. She has maybe five years, unfortunately
she'll be sick a lot, she has leukemia and her immune system is ... not

So I'm not dealing with death yet, just that I know it is happening and I
can't stop it.

You make me feel better about people when I see someone so kind to a
stranger hurting.

Royce, if you read this. I admire your strength to hold up, to be strong for your daughters. I'm crumbling and not sure if that is the right thing to do or not. It seems caloused to not bury my feelings, but my work is suffering. I can, or maybe can't, imagine the state you are in. I went through my dad in a coma like state for a week before dying. There was hope, but the odds were against him. I couldn't grieve because he wasn't dead, I needed to keep hoping, praying for him.

When he died, I thought I was okay, I went to work that same day, I'd gotten the message about 3:28 AM from my brother. I think burying my wife is going to be harder - I can't imagine it without feeling a cold heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Someone is going to tell me to quit crying and enjoy the time I have with her, not to waste it. I guess I should realize that to and celebrate every day instead of being sad. How can I? All the plans we made, the life we planned, always for tomorrow. Now tomorrow is suddenly here. Do we get lots of credit cards and go crazy? There is so much I would give her if I had more money. We lived for tomorrow it seems. Maybe I'll empty my measly 401(K) and take her to Scottland. I think I will. :)

I don't know why I hadn't thought of that before. I'm open to ideas, thoughts. Thanks.

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