too soon for relationship?

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Posted by Cindy on August 30, 2001 at 16:27:28:

My husband and I were in a car accident 3 and a half months ago. He was killed instantly and I had several injuries that I have since recovered from. We were married 16 years and have 3 kids. My husband was mentally and emotionally abusive to me throughout most of our marriage, as well as physically at times. Our relationship seemed to be such an act. I felt I could not be myself around him for fear I would not please him. I felt this way because I learned the hard way that he did not like the real me very well. He cheated on me early in our marriage and again a year ago. I stayed with him for the kids and for the fear that he would make my life miserable if we were divorced. I think the only reason he stayed with me was because he could not stand the thought of me ever being with someone else even if he had someone else. I never cheated on him during our marriage. I couldn't talk to him about my feelings or anything else for that matter. I had to choose my words to him carefully so he would not get mad or think and say that I was stupid. I do miss him and I loved him in my own way. I mourned his death and hurt over it for the first 2 months but I seem to have gotten over it. I still think about him but it seems that ever since he died I have thought more about how he treated me than the few good times we had together. Our children are even taking the loss very well. They were used to walking on eggshells worrying about what kind of mood he was going to be in on a certain day. They would be so quiet until they could tell. If he was in a good mood, everyone was pretty happy but still waited for him to lose his temper at any time. If he was in a bad mood, they would go to their rooms and stay away from him. Am I terrible for not being the long grieving widow that I have noticed that so many others are? I have been talking to a close friend of mine who was also a friend of my husband's. He and I have always had a close connection over the years. My husband even noticed that there was a connection between me and his friend because we were always able to talk with each other so well. I have really gotten close to this man and even think I may be in love with him. He has the qualities that I find attractive and compatible with my own. He is everything I want in a companion. He is not controlling like my husband was, he is caring, compassionate, romantic, and such a great friend. My question is, is it too soon for he and I to publicly date and pursue a relationship beyond just friendship? Many of my friends knew how my husband treated me but many other people were oblivious to it. Will others think me and this man are cold and uncaring for becoming involved so soon after my husband's death? Some people have told me I should wait a year but that just seems like a tradition to me and is not realistic. Can someone please give me some advice?

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