Different kind of widow

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Posted by valerie on July 29, 2001 at 12:39:16:

I have read many of your posts and I am sorry of all these tragic sudden deaths. Mine was also, but of a different kind. My husband commmitted suicide on
May 14th 2000(Mother's Day). He left me with two beautiful children and for that I thank God. They are what kept me going in the first 6-8months. Now I have a better appreciation for life and am trying to start to find out who I am.
I loved my husband we were together for 10yrs. I am 32 years old and live on the East Coast. I found this site by accident, but am glad I did.
He was a great father who loved his children. A hard working honest individual who would give you the shirt off his back if you asked him for it. He loved animals and the outdoors, he taught me the game of hockey. We had some very meaningful momments like the birth of each of our children. Hiking to the top of mountains and enjoying the spectacular views. He enjoyed my cooking and loved my home made cookies. His favorite thing was backrubs and footrubs.
I am telling this because I have worked through some of the anger of abandonment, the sadness of loneliness, the acceptance of unanswered questions, the fear of continuing on alone,and yet I am having a hard time remembering the good. My husband was a mentally ill,angry,addicted individual who hurt deeply. He had a very good way of not letting anyone including myself know quite how much. I wish is was different, I wish I could have known, but I didn't.
When I met him he was happy,stable, not self medicating his pain and those are the days I miss, and that is the man I miss, he is also the man I want my children to grow up and hear stories about. They saw and experience the pain. I need to go back and experience again the hurt inside of me missing the man who I fell in love with so I can record and expres to my children the love that was there. Maybe this sight will be able to do that for me.

Thank you for listening.

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