Posted by Sandra P. on March 14, 2001 at 20:23:57:
Programming the damn VCR was always "his" job. The "he" up and dies (after a very quick six months with Cancer). I just wasn't ready for him to go, let alone be gone. I've figured out how to do the dry-walling; to clean the air filter; even the weed-wacker. But the VCR, with its connection to the satellite system is beyond me. Dang, it's silly things like this that keep the grief going and going.
It's like a very special energizer bunny ... the grief bunny. Every time you think the bloody batteries are wearing down - WHAM - something up and gets you again.
My beloved husband passed away 5/17/00 leaving behind a 39 year old wife and a 10 year old son. Three weeks after he died my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Dad died in September. Y2K bug has a whoooole different meaning to me.
I've read through many of the messages on this board. There's been a lot of sage advice and good listeners. I truly despair of reaching a peaceful, joyful place again. The first six months were painful. The last few months seem even more difficult.
Perhaps a part of me froze - just a way to cope with the roughly 12 billion things we have to do - now I'm starting to thaw. Oh my. I'm thinking being a popsicle was easier. Were it not for my son I would have "checked out" by now. No, not committed suicide ... just not cared enough to continue living.
To me, WWW used to mean the web. Now it means "white widowed." And how about the boxes we get to check, "single" or "married." I don't know about the rest of you, but I still feel "married." The first time I was addressed as a "single parent" I really didn't recognize that I was now a member of that particular club.
I know there isn't some magic formula that makes the grief go away. There isn't anything but time to heal the wounds in our hearts and souls. But at this point, I'd be happy with just a 24 hour time-out. A one-day break from being a widow. Anybody have any suggestions? If not for the one day break, how about the vcr ;-)
I know this is a rambling message. I guess I've been storing stuff up for a while. The support groups in my neck of the woods have been for folks 60+ so they're not a real good match. My friends mean well, but don't understand. Thanks for listening.
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