Posted by Tamara on May 10, 2001 at 10:29:30:
In Reply to: Stupid VCR ... also known as "Will this ever get better?" posted by Sandra P. on March 14, 2001 at 20:23:57:
You sound like you're handling the "thaw" pretty well. This grief is a beast that you just keep wrestling with. Some days the darn thing stays down awhile and others, it rears its ugly head and the struggle is on again. (I'm also 39 with 11 and 9 year old boys. My husband died unexpectedly two years ago in January.) The "his job" stuff still gets me, too. I handled the VCR and most things electronic, but there were lots of things that I called "husband's work" (the trash, garage-stuff and anything having to do with bugs!). He was such a great sport about it.
For the longest, I felt an overwhelming sense of unreality; like I was living someone else's life. I really feel that way now as I've up and moved overseas, but the challenge of another language and the novelty of the most mundane things helps keep my mind busy. I don't know about you, but I find I'll be doing "OK" then something stupid will trigger memories and I'm tearing up like a fool. I guess that's part of why I like the change of scenery: less little, familiar things (like the pre-Christmas toys at Sam's that we always stocked up on together) to blindside me.
Like you, my kids have been my anchor. They needed me to be strong and I had to rise to the occasion...They gave me strength. I don't think I could have drawn breath after my husband's death but for them. They always gave me joy, even in the very darkest days.
I'm a bit further down the road than you are and I can tell you it does get better. It's still tough, but happy times come more often and with less reserve. I still feel like being a widow (I hate that label) at my age makes me an oddity (and truth is, it does), but I don't feel as uncomfortable about my "status" as I used to. Part of it for me is always the discomfort that comes to others when they learn. I never quite know how to react to "I'm sorry"'s from people I meet. ('Tends to thrown a damper on any conversation!) I tell my sons just to say "thank you" and that's what I do, but I totally understand the awkwardness they feel. We are different than most people now and that's just a fact. I wish I knew a way to "take a day off" (I always said I wanted to do that during the last months of my pregnancies. "Here, honey, you can be the pregnant one for awhile!"). I don't, but I've found that there are times where it is out of my mind for awhile. Working toward a goal helps. Hang in there. Anyway, you may not check back, but, if you do, feel free to email.