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Posted by Annabelle on November 26, 2001 at 04:13:05:

In Reply to: Re: COMPLETE SHOCK RECENTLY WIDOWED posted by John Chittock on August 24, 2001 at 09:11:23:

November 26th 2001

Hello John

I have read your page, and am of course, full of concern for you.

If there is anything I can do, you must please let me know.

I am inclined to rambler a bit once I start writing a letter, so please bear with me. I assure that whatever I say is because I too have been there and know exactly what you are going through and I assure you I have the best of intentions.

The site on which you left your message is very similar to the one called Widownet, but better than the one in U.S.A as it seems to have a lot more British contributors. I know nothing about you of course, but what you are doing on the Internet is the right way to go, rather than if you do not mind me saying, via The Telegraph or any other newspaper- yet.

Whilst one shouldn’t generalise, Widowed people in the newspapers are also seeking ways not to be alone and are not there to help anyone other than themselves and you need much more help than those who are advertising. Your pain is now- they have managed to get over some of their pain and are in need of a full time companion. You do not need that yet. Give yourself more time. I did say one should not generalise.

You too are seeking ways of not being alone of course, but it is much to early for you to start thinking about replacing your wife for the affections of another lady – understandable – but to early. Give yourself more time; do not rush into something until you are more able to sort out your inner feeling. Not your surface feelings like disliking being alone. There are thousands and thousands of people alone, and somehow we all manage to find some sort of company and somehow the days turn into weeks and the weeks in to month’s and the months….etc etc etc. It is very very hard.

The best thing you can do is cry cry and cry, (don’t care if you are a man, men should cry to help release the pain) and talk talk and more talk, – to some one who has an open ear and plenty of time for you. You have, I gather, no children, but do you have any close family members can spend more time with you or a very close friend?

The one thing one has to learn to do is to fill ones time. When my beloved husband died, I did not realise how many empty hours there were in a day. I lay awake for hours and hours on end, weeping or talking on Widownet at all times of the day and night. How I have managed to get through almost 4 years I do not know, and I still think he is coming through the door, that somehow is has all been a dreadful mistake. It will never go away and his memory will be with me forever, whether, one day, I remarry or stay alone.

Try to plan something, however small to do each day, get someone into the house to repair something, paint the room that you promised you would do ages ago, visit an art gallery, go away to visit your wife’s family.

I planned around the country trip to every single friends we had. I stayed in Hotels every other night as the emotional aspect was to much to cope with every day of the trip.

I spent hour upon hour, organising ways of getting the widowed together, but some how it fell by the wayside. Maybe you are the one to help me, or I you, get the idea reinvented. I found I just could not do it on my own so how about talking some time and lets exchange ideas.

Please keep in touch, as I believe we can help each other.

My heart is full of sympathy for you and thoughts are with you. Best wishes Annabelle

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