Posted by Carissa on August 28, 2001 at 12:46:28:
I have been reading various entries, and they are all so full of pain and grief. My mind ran back to my own loss. My sweet husband of only a year and a half was murdered on June 8, 1999. We were both only 19 and thought we had our entire lives to grow old together. I can not begin to explain the pain that filled my once bubblie heart, but I am sure that most of you know the exact feeling that I felt. Time moved rather slow, and things changed so quickly that I lost track of time. Friends soon were at a loss for words, or even how to act around me anymore. Eventually most of my friends faded into the background with the rest of my "normal" life, and I begin to grow in new dementions. I never thought I would laugh again... and one day I laughed. I never thought I would want to go on living alone...now I am so excited for what life has for me. Yes, there is a hole in my heart that can never be replaced and a part of me that will always be lost in June 9, 1999. But...life goes on. Someone told me something that made my entire perspective change. She said "Carissa, do you have scars?" I responded the typical answer "well, of course" she instructed me to touch my scars, "do they hurt?" I said, "no, they don't" what she said then completely blew me away. She said "carissa, that's because scars serve to remind us of something, they are always with us, we can cover them with makeup or hide them...but they are always there. But, the wonderful thing is Carissa, is scars don't hurt. You will always love yoiur husband, love never ends...but one day you will learn that pain is replaced with wonderful memories of what was."
I hope that some of you can understand what I am saying. I love my husband so much, and I miss him terribly. Every night I lay in bed alone and relive every moment in my memory because I am so afraid of forgetting. Forgetting the small things...his laugh, his smile, the way he said my name.
God has brought me a long way, farther than I imagined. I am no longer who I was, that person is forever gone. But, I am learning to love the new person. Learning to love what life is right now, I now see that my life didn't end on June 9th, just changed forever. Love is forever with us, it knows no end, no limits. I know that somewhere in the distance is a purpose, a reason. Maybe I will never understand it to it's full degree, but I know that no matter what I have to keep living and keep growing. And I know that one day, I will fall in love again. But, for now...I am content. Content with everything that has happened, the good with the bad, and know that if life had taken a different path...I wouldn't be me...and being me is a pretty awesome thing.
My love and prayers are with you all...I understand your pain, just remember to breathe and never lose sight of the rainbow...the clouds may be covering it...but it's there!
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