Posted by Marcy on January 16, 2001 at 17:13:28:
In Reply to: Re: Losing my wife posted by Marie on January 08, 2001 at 20:10:36:
I am new to this, so bear with me. I don't even know if you will see this . . . or how anyone sees the messages. . . but I can understand what you say about being able to vent.
It is two years TODAY that the love of my life - literally, [as he was the fourth man in my life . . . the others were not the divine mate I was meant to have] . . . but timing couldn't have brought us together any sooner. Heavenly Father knew that, and when the time was right we found each other, tho thousands of miles apart. When we first talked on the phone it was as if I was talking to my best friend and we were just catching up on old times. We were joined together 1 day short of a month later. During our 17 years together, we both looked death in the face several times. I was sure I would die before him.
But a spot of his head was looked at by a dermatologist who said it was nothing to worry about. After three years the pain grew to a point where I had to drag him into a doctor. After the biopsy, the doctor called me and told me it was one of the worst cases of Melanoma he has seen and that him probably didn't have a week to live.
I was devastated. I was home alone and fell apart. I called our family and closest friends, and as many as possible came and were here when he came home. He thought it was surprise party. Little did he know about the"SURPRISE"
Our dear friend is married to an Oncologist, and arranged for us to get in to see him immediately. He recommended surgery.
Let me tell you Marie, I have never been so frightened in my life. As his daughters and I sat in the waiting room, all I could do was pace. It was impossible to sit still. [This came months after being told a heart attack he had was inoperable, as it was down in the muscle. So not only the specialist was in the operating room, but also his heart surgeon, in case of complications.]
Fortunately, he survived that operation and went into radical care to try to control the spread of the cancer. It continued to spread in his body.
Besides the cancer therapy and further surgery, it continued to grow. I was his major care giver. All of our children were grown and on their own . . . so it truly was just the two of us. I honestly believe everyone else didn't want to think about the reality that he could die any day. But Marie, I knew it and lived with it every day. If I woke and he was not in bed, I would get up to check on him. If he went off to work and didn't come home when I thought he should be home, the panic grew and grew and grew. Always came the relief when he pulled in.
In 1997 after his third surgery the doctors told me the could not get it all. They wanted him to do radiation and then chemotherapy. We decided to pray about it for a few days and when ready to share what each of us felt would be the best. We both arrived at the same decision. Our oncologist called again to try to talk him into treatment. We asked what the prognosis was and he said, "Anywhere from a week to three weeks, and if lucky to five years from inception." My husband told him, "The way I see it, whether I do it your way or mine, I am going to die."
We both knew we didn't want to spend the last days of his life running back and forth to the hospital for treatments that would weaken him and cause him to be ill. So we declined and I continued to treat any outward appearance of the cancer, but there was nothing I could do for the cancer spreading in his body. He used all the herbal remedies on the market. Well, we kept him going for another year and a half. I could see the changes it made in his personality . . . the anger that was building. . . the unfairness of it all.
As for me I lived with the daily, constant dread he could die any day . . . it was impossible to try to plan anything out to far in the future. He hid his suffering from everyone but me. Four days before he died the oncologist and his wife, stopped to visit. Amazingly he got up and came out and sat in his chair and refused to talk about his condition, say "If I could be any better, I couldn't stand myself."
They were both shocked when I called to tell them of his passing. The doctor had told his wife, our friend, that in his opinion my husband looked so healthy he could probably live another two months. The morning of his passing was the first time he admitted to me how fast he was going. That was at 3:15am. We gather all the family, tho most lived nearly an hour away. He received a blessing and was able to sit up [with the help of our son who stood on the bed to lift him into a sitting position] in bed and visit with the family, even joking.
Suddenly at 7:30am he slipped into a coma. We all continued to talk to him. I had our boys position him in the center of the bed, I laid by his side with my arms around him, and the kids took turns coming in to visit with him. We had been up for over 36-48 hours. I dozed for a few minutes and that was when he crossed over. I still refused to leave his side and the kids had to pull me away from him when the morticians arrived. During that time, as we had talked about earlier, I slipped his wedding band off and slipped it over the top of mine.
When they took him out the door I just wanted to die . . . he was my whole life . . . I knew it would be wrong to commit suicide, but I talked about it all the time in the past two years. I know that some in the family were afraid I would mourn myself to death . . . AND BELIEVE ME I TRIED!!
NOW GOING THRU THE SECOND ANNIVERSARY, I REMAIN LOST AND CONFUSED. I know I must begin to face the fact that my future will go in spite of the fact that my spirit does not want to. What will I do, I have no idea.
The pain was like some stuck a knife into my chest and twisted it and tore out part of my heart . . . that is till the same, tho the pain is not so bad. I have been put on alot of medication to get me thru to this point. Sometimes I am just NUMB. I covered my dresser mirror with an array of photos taken from the first day we met, until two weeks before he passed on . . . plus one in the coffin, where he looked so much better than he had in years and looked totally at piece.
So here I sit . . . two years later, still searching for answers. Without having any children to worry about . . . makes facing each day difficult and I seldom get out of bed until after NOON. Somehow the bright lights are unbearable. I keep the bedroom quite dark. I can't even face the fact that I have to begin to do something with all his beautiful clothing, and also his work clothes. His tennis shoes remain in the same place were he would put them at night.
I have been trying to figure out how to find some group to talk to who understand how difficult this is. I would be willing to correspond by e-mail or chat over ICQ with anyone who has experienced a loss like this in their life. I don't know the procedure to reach someone and ma not even sure that you will get this . . . but at the time I am writing into my own journal.
No one wants to talk about his passing, none of the kids, friends find it uncomfortable and avoid it. Going to church with all our dear friends has been extremely difficult . . . watching them with their spouses with arms around the other, and kissing . . .I could go on but, I had better stop for now.
I hope you get this Marie and can tell me how to find you . . . maybe someone can tell me.
Sincerely I Pray God Will be With all,
Marcy 6:12 PM
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