Posted by Marie on January 08, 2001 at 20:10:36:
In Reply to: Losing my wife posted by John on January 04, 2001 at 19:40:27:
I too, am very sorry for your loss. I find it strange that I have also lost a spouse...have been in the same situation as you...and yet I am at a loss for words to comfort you. Maybe it is because I know from experience...that there really are no comforting words. The pain remains regardless of what anyone may say to you. I can tell you though....that it does "change" in some way. No, the hurt doesn't just go away...but it does "soften" some. It's as if little....by VERY little...our hearts begin to mend...but just like a deep cut...a scar remains.
I lost my husband two years ago this January, to cancer. Our situations are much different, but the ending is sadly...the same. Trust me when I say, I know all too well what you are feeling. My son hadn't made it to 2 yet, and my daughter was only 4. There were times that I thought I'd never make it. Hell, there are STILL times I feel like that. It is most definitely my children that keep me going...even when I don't want to. One of the things that makes me feel the most sad...is that my children will never really know their father. I will be sure to tell them what a wonderful man he was and how much he adored them...but it will never compare to having him in their lives. That...is truly what saddens me the most.
I'm sorry that I don't have the advice that you are looking for. I am looking back at the past two years and am trying to see what it was that has gotten me this far. All I see is my children...family that has helped me whenever I needed anything...and friends that were willing to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. There really is nothing they can say to take the hurt away...but being able to say what you want to...what you NEED to...has helped me in more ways than I probably realize. This site,for example, has helped me many times. Many nights I spent typing and crying...pouring my heart and soul out to those I thought would understand the most. I don't know about you...but I always felt as if I was burdening someone if I wanted to talk..or cry. Friends tend to want to "make things better"..."fix" things and when they figure out that they can't...they feel helpless. I guess that's why I found this site. I wanted to talk to someone that understood. And the best part about it, was that I could write and anyone could read it if they wanted to and respond if they wanted to. There was no pressure to say the right things. I was also very lucky to have met another widow that shared a lot of the same difficulties that I was having. After two years, we are still very good friends even though we have never met.
John, I have to tell you...I heard about your story.....before I even read this message you posted. I can tell you exactly where I was when I heard it too. I was in my bathroom...getting ready one morning....when it came on over the radio. The announcers were talking about it to eachother. And I know, they were imagining it happening to them. I, on the other hand...wasn't imagining it happening to me...but I was imagining what you may have been feeling at the time. What you must have been going through. Filled with grief that you had lost the love of your life...and overwhelmed with relief and happiness that your baby wasn't taken too. I was then...and am now...still....so very sorry for your loss. You will find that there is new meaning to "One day at a time". I found it easiest to try not to look too far ahead. Focus on today and each tomorrow will come a little easier....a little softer. Time, truly is the only healer, John. And it's ok....to take all the time you need.
This is a great site to vent. Know that someone is always listening...and hears your pain...and understands. I for one...would be happy to lend an ear if you should ever feel the need.
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