Posted by DF on June 01, 2001 at 20:12:45:
I am fairly new to this; and to the message board. My 40 year old seemingly healthy husband went on a business trip a few days before Easter and he never came home...at least not the way he should have. Tom travelled for business a lot so taking him to the airport with our kids (ages 5, 8 and 10) was quite normal. We dropped him off at 5pm. At 11pm I got a phone call from a doctor in North Carolina telling me he was dead. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach; but also like I was watching a bad bad movie. This was not something that was supposed to happen!!! My kids were asleep, and I was afraid to wake them. I called a friend and cried all night. Telling my kids was the most horrible thing I have ever had to do in my entire 39 years.
With my three kids, a house to take care of, finances and a means of support to get in order is keeping me pretty busy and I manage to put things out of my mind most of the time. But when I do take the time to think about Tom and to feel...Oh my God!!!I never thought I could feel such pain and heartbreak. I lost half of myself when he died. How do I ever feel like a person again? How do I put these pieces together? Where do I get the patience to do it all? Before we were a team, we were partners...I now feel so all alone.
My kids need me for physical and emotional things; they will keep me busy and I love them dearly. Right now, though I wish I could run away. So many of you talk of a better place...I wish I could have your convictions. I am Catholic and am supposed to believe in all of the heaven/Jesus thing...but I'm not so sure. My kids believe that Daddy is in heaven and that on sunny days he is smiling and on rainy days he is crying because he misses us ---how I wish that were true.
Someone, please tell me how to get through this!