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Posted by Tamara on May 07, 2001 at 10:53:22:

In Reply to: COMPLETE SHOCK RECENTLY WIDOWED posted by SANDRA on May 03, 2001 at 16:56:17:

I lost my beloved husband and partner a little over two years ago. It was a total shock also. We have 2 beautiful boys who were just 5 (by 2 days) and 9 at the time of his death. He was a wonderful and doting father and I grieve for their loss as I do for my own. This may sound really strange to you now, but I have found that, in some ways, it was easier for my boys than for some of the kids of divorced people I know: Our/their grief is pure and unclouded by all the turmoil and guilt that goes with divorce. We talk about him often, but we don't dwell on the death part (except if either one of them needs or wants to talk about it). After my husband's death, my kids looked to me and had absolute faith in me. God, they had no idea! But, their faith gave me strength and we've been strong--and, yes, even happy--together. I had no idea what to do after my husband's death. I had been so absorbed in him and our family. So, I decided to look back to dreams I had had before marriage and family. Long and short, we're in France now and I'm studying French and liking the change and the challenge. My sons are happy. I don't ever want them to feel guilty about being happy and I fight those feelings in myself. Their father only wanted the best for them and for me. I believe he still does. I'm trying to be "wise" and take my time with things. No way am I ready for another relationship, but maybe someday. There's no set timeframe. It's different for everyone. I'd choose our old life in a heartbeat over the life we have now (even though it's good), but that's not an option we have. You make the best of what you've been dealt. You let yourself feel the love your husband had/has for you and you for him. You'll see him again. But, for now, you have things to do in this life. Cry when you want, laugh at the funny memories. Give yourself a break. Try to find some goal, any goal: It gives you a positive direction and helps keep you from staring ever backward. Good luck and bless you.

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