her shoes

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Posted by David on March 30, 2001 at 07:43:30:

I am driven down the road of despair, sometimes in a speeding train; screaming past stops, no leave…no exit. I am allowed to feel unbearable pain…so that I may learn that I CAN bear it. The new day’s sun awakens me from a soul’s sleep. I have felt her despair, a portion of it, in my own agony. I am both humbled in the realization of her grace in carrying the burden and strengthened in my having survived the storm. I railed at Him, asking Him hard questions that only despair brings, rising to the surface in the boiling anger. The answers come in the days that follow from gathering up the debris on this ravaged shore. I see the route, the root of myself in the footprints, the impressions on this beach, this shore, the sands of my day, wet with the salty sea of tears. I searched for love’s touch, found it vacant, and rediscovered its treasure in remembering our introduction, our kiss, our first days together. I fall in love with her anew…a fresh breeze from days past…still as warm as her nickname, “Sunshine”. The yellow of her hair was my favorite color, matching the gold of her name. I come to understand that the meaning of her misery, her unbearable pain, will be answered in my time, from my lips. I walk the path on her legs, in her shoes. I walk detached…removed from the intensity that would have withered my skin, driven life from me, leaving me dry. I repeat the same questions she asked…I hear the reply, from within me…in her words. She remains the reason I exist…her life, a living lesson breathed in me everyday. I am because she was. I am here from shared steps, common ground…now sacred in her passing. She is not the cold marker of granite that bears her name. She is a sun-warmed perch, massive, solid. I rest on this bench. Its smooth face affords me temporary stay; comfort is robbed by its knobs and hollows. I am moved to leave. I will continue the journey, now mine…no…still ours.

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