Posted by Marie on February 26, 2001 at 19:12:27:
In Reply to: Two years posted by John on February 25, 2001 at 19:15:00:
John~
It's also been two years for me since I lost my husband. Like you...I am functioning and pretty much going on with my life. But even though I feel there has been a tremendous amount of healing that's taken place for me...I know all too well that the hurt is just barely below the surface and can emerge at any time. Just tonight...the children were in the other room...I was sitting on the floor folding clothes.....and a simple thought of my husband came to mind. Tonight, for some reason, that was all it took. I sat there...folded clothes...and cried. Sometimes, I think I try so hard NOT to think of him.....just because it hurts too much. But eventually, it will surface...and then there's no holding it back. Even as I write this to you...my heart is wanting to collapse....but my head is saying keep it together. I feel as if there's a constant battle taking place inside of me. One that needs to be STRONG..for the kids...and one that just wants someone to take care of ME again. I have never been a very strong person. My husband was my rock...the one that kept me going. Losing him....has forced me into becoming that "strong" person. I know that's a good thing...I just wonder how long I can BE that person. It's been two years and there are still days that I can't believe he's really gone. I can be driving along and the realization of it all will hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel scared all over again...and my heart hurts just as it did when he first left this world. One step forward, two steps back. Ever feel like that? I still have days like that....but I have to admit...they are becoming less frequent. Sometimes I look back and wonder where I was these last two years. I know I was here...doing all the things I'm supposed to do and taking care of our children....but I feel as if I was only here physically. There is so much that I can't even remember...it's a little freightening.
I loved my husband like I've loved no other...my heart will always hurt for him....and I will ALWAYS miss him. I just have to learn to live with that.
Marie