Re: Guilt and Grief

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Posted by Melissa on February 15, 2001 at 11:35:29:

In Reply to: Guilt and Grief posted by Jason on January 23, 2001 at 20:26:30:

Dear Jason,
I am so sorry for your loss. It has been exactly 5 years since my husband died of a heart attack. At the time, he was 28, I was 21, our son was 24 months and the day after the funeral I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. We had been trying for seven months-- he had wanted that little girl so much! I went througha lot of the same feelings you are now. It does get better. Eventually you will accept what has happened, and you will see that your strong and doing the best job you can. That's the best thing you can do for your kids. It's not a typical situation, and your children will grow up realizing that. They will stick by you even when you doubt yourself, because you are there for them. My children have been my biggest support through the years. There are things you can't discuss with them, but they understand a lot just by looking into your eyes. I have felt like such a horrible mom at times, knowint that I just can't do it all by myself. I get depressed and they see me like that and I am ashamed. But no matter how I feel, they are there. They may not be able to communicate their feelings well, but they understand more than people give them credit for. They come to understand that you need them, that you need comfort, and they give it better than anyone. They are going through pain of their own, and even though sometimes the words cannot come, sticking together will give them the most valuable thing in life you can ever give--stability, security. Imagine what they must feel like, one parent just gone; what if the other one gets taken away too? They're scared to death of that, and it takes years to rebuild that security, but it will come. Do you understand what I am saying? The little things that you do not feel like you do right throughout the day don't matter so much as you BEING THERE. That's what they need most, and that's what scares them most, is losing it,just like we are afraid of the same thing. It takes time. this month has been very hard for me, but all in all things are getting better finally. I can finally feel some meaning to my life, and feel that I can bring us forward somehow. It hasn't happened yet, but we're in the process. I started back to school and every day is a struggle, but I couldn't do this before. I couldn't hope for much because I was too terrified of losing it. Minute by minute, one foot in front of the other--that's how I lived life after losing Rodger.
Your children need you, and you are much more valuable to them than you give yourself credit for. And your feelings of guilt do diminish with time, although it will still haunt you once in awhile. It's normal to feel that way. Just keep telling yourself how valuable you really are to those precious children...I'll be praying for you--take care.

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