Posted by Kim on December 06, 2000 at 19:09:06:
You did not know him.
Only I knew him this way.
The way his cheek felt in my hand. The softness of his hair. The sweet sort of pillow on top of his upper lip that was so sweet to kiss. The good smells of soap and shampoo and a clean shirt when he bent over to kiss me goodbye before I was even awake in the morning. My days always started with love.
You did not know his voice when he said my name. It sounded like music, like the happiest thing he could say. His laugh. His beautiful baritone.
His beautiful hands. Always clean and gentle and adorned by only a simple thin gold band.
His chest and its lovely hair. His funny looking feet. His poor torn up knee. His eyes were beautiful. They were grey and green but sometimes looked blue.
We could lie in bed together and feel each others heart beat and each others joy and pleasure and every single thought.
We had something so special. So beautiful. He made me feel so beautiful and special. He wanted me to live every dream I had.
He killed himself because his business was going bad. Some bad cases. Some mistakes. Some problems.
MY LOVE my love my darling my husband my soulmate my life my everything bought a goddamned gun and shot himself. His beautiful head was ruined. They didn't want me to see him. I didn't see him.
The police came to my door and said "We need to speak with you." and then I sat on my couch where he sat and they said "Your husband is dead."
It was August 11. It is RIGHT NOW. I live that moment over and over and over.
I had to tell his parents. I thought his father would die right in my arms - he had heart trouble.
I had to arrange his funeral. I had to give away his clothes. I had to write to people. I had to pay the NSF charges for the GODDAMN GUN he shot himself with.
I am 40. I have perhaps 35 or 40 more years of life without my love.
There is no love for me left in the world. Not like his. Not that.
I was pretty when he married me and now I'm overweight. But he still thought I was pretty. Beautiful. Sexy. Worth touching and holding with joy and love.
That is gone. That is dead.
My love! My only love.
Why did you leave me? I loved you and you loved me. How could you do this? How could you leave me? It was just money, it was just the business, it was not your heart and soul. Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? Why didn't you share your pain with me? There is nothing on earth that could have torn me away from you.
We had something so special! 99% of people on earth don't even dream of the love we had. Our silly jokes and our sweet moments of love and joy and just the comfort of being together. The trips we took. The foxy dog and our kittycats. It was beautiful.
You left us all alone. We miss you. We miss you so much it's like bleeding from a cut that won't heal. Oh God how could you do this? My darling you were in so much pain and you couldn't tell me? My sweetheart, there's nothing that could have separated us the way death has.
I don't sleep. I don't dream when I do sleep. Food is stupid. I hate myself. I have so many regrets. I loved you as much as I could love anyone in the whole world. You taught me what love is. But it wasn't enough. Fat ugly horrible wife wasn't enough.
My love my love my love my love.
I want to break without you. I loved you. I love you still. I always will love you.
I see doctors now. I go to therapists. I do the little things around the houe you used to do. I go on trips. I see our friends. I see your parents.
It is all a horrible joke. You are GONE. You are ASHES.
They took your body out of the car and put you in an ambulance and took you away. They cut on you. And then they put you in a refrigerator. Then they burned you up!!!!
Ashes ashes ashes ashes ashes.
Oh God I can't take this. Not you. Not like this. An old man dying in my arms I could handle but not this.
I always wanted to die first, my darling. Life without you is obscene. It's horrible. It should not be.
I want to hold you. i want to hear your voice. I miss you so much!!!!!
Oh God sweetheart please forgive me for anything I did and all the things I failed to do. Oh God please forgive me.
I tried so hard, sweetheart. I tried the best I knew how. I'm so sorry.
Oh sweetheart, the only place you can be is in heaven.
Wait for me.
I babbled all this. Some of it is to other people Some of it is to my lost husband. Some of it is just talking to myself.
My love, my only love. My whole heart. My whole life. My only joy. Gone.
Goodnight sweet prince. My Bryan.
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