Posted by Sandy on December 06, 2000 at 11:51:38:
I had some friends over Saturday for our annual cookie bake. It's usually a "girl" party, but all I could think of all day was how much Bill would have enjoyed this. For the last three years he stayed by my side in the kitchen, mixing, rolling, cutting, baking, decorating. It was a novelty to him. As a kid, his mom always kicked him out of the kitchen when she baked, so he enjoyed the hours of mess making, creating some thing from various ingrediants. Last year he had a brillant idea. He wanted to make packages fo assorted goodies for his family. He made me take polaroids of him, covered from head to toe in flour, in various stages of baking bliss. "I have to send a picture, they'll never beleive I did this if I don't." So we took two weekends, got up at five and worked until eight or nine at night. It was the most precious time I ever spent with him. Now, I have to force myself to wallk into the kitchen. I pulled a mixing bowl out and lost it. I feel like I'm slowly going insane. Everything about this season makes me want to lock the door, close the blinds, and hide from the world until it's over. I can't go shopping, because I constantly see things that Bill would love to unwrap Christmas morning. I catch myself thinking "this is perfect for him", and I have to stop myself from buying it.
I forced myself to put the Christmas tree up this morning. I cried when I pulled his stocking out of the box. We never had a real fireplace, so every year, he made one out of Christmas lights. The stockings just completed his ensemble.
I don't know what to do. I see him in everything.